Another chunk of time has gone by. With all of that time, inevitably the same result ensues. I get really tired of starting over again. It is like a joke a comedian would tell. “I started a new diet. I have lost over 100 pounds now. Too bad it’s the same 5 pounds 20 times!”
This year has brought its share of stress. The biggest is having life turned upside down with a house move. With the stress of packing, purging, purchasing, selling and actually moving, I have resorted to my usual stress eating. It was a no holds bared kind of affair this time round. Having most of our things packed up and stored, we were running life on the basics. This situation led to the excuse of I do not want to cook. We had next to no pots or pans, all of our stuff was put away in storage, we had nothing to clean with….. it goes on and on and on. All excuses to make the easiest of choices… what are we ordering for diner?
I have found a new deadly form of convenience that feeds into my addiction and compulsion to stress eat for comfort. This comes in the form of Skip the Dishes, Door Dash, and all the other convenient online ordering platforms. In all fairness, they truly did serve a purpose during the COVID lockdowns and pandemic restrictions. They allowed us to have some sense of normality and familiarity when we couldn’t go anywhere. Now that all things are back to normal, it has now turned into a conduit for laziness and apathy. Why cook diner when you can have it at your door in 30 minutes with a few swipes of a finger and no effort at all. THE PERFECT DRUG. Purchased pleasure, enjoyed in the privacy of your own world with no one to judge you. Crack anyone? I mean cake….?
So here I am. Spending the last month and a bit wondering why I feel so tired and sore. Why is every joint in my body screaming at me. Why am I so out of breath all the time. Why is everything so difficult to do. Why do I have to push so hard to get things done. How come every time I eat something, healthy or otherwise I suffer massive digestive upset. Why do I have no want to do anything. Telling myself what does it matter what I eat, I feel like crap anyway. What is wrong with me? It truly is a form of self flagellation. I know what is wrong. It is right there in front of me. I just choose to look past it because if I ignore the problem it will go away. Right? Oh… I will make a change soon. I have to get back on track. I need to stop eating like this. I need to do better tomorrow….. OOHHH LOOK! CHIPS! Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow…. It’s only a day away. Excuses, apathy, unwillingness and denial. Spoken like a true addict.
Tonight I stand at 472.1 pounds. Again. I am tired of being here. I know better. I need to figure out a way to stop this cycle for good. Talking seems to deescalate the thoughts of sabotage. Getting it out for the world to know what I am thinking. It doesn’t mean I am going to act upon it, I am just releasing its hold on me. Fasting and low carb have worked for me. They are my body’s happy place. I know this keeps me away from my intolerance triggers to help me heal. I am getting back into it. My last meal was yesterday at 9pm. 26 hours ago. I need to do a system reset. I am not sure how long I will go this time, but something needs to be done to break the cycle. It is rehab time. Time to detox from the crap I am putting in my body. Regardless of how many steps I have taken backwards lately, this one is a step forward. I just need to keep moving ahead. Behind me is not where I want to be. There is a better version of me somewhere in front to find. I just have to reach out and grab hold.
The Life of Craig 